“All my life, I’ve been good… but now, I’m thinking WHAT THE HELL”
I really wanted the way my mother cares about me. She acts like a nurse when I’m sick. She feeds me. She works really hard to pay my tuition fees, projects and other school fees. She makes sure we have this and that. She’s a wonder woman actually. And me? I’m a side kick following all what she was saying. And as I follow her, I don’t know… suddenly, it felt like something’s wrong.
My decision and my mom’s decision was one. Do you agree? My clothes, my hairstyles, she’s the brain behind it. Sometimes, I would just like to wear plain tees and jeans but then she’ll ask me, “Why are you wearing that? You should wear this…” Then I’ll go like, okay. Sometimes, I would lay my hair down then she’ll say “You should pony it…” Then I’ll comb it again, okay.
Upon picking my course, I also went with my mom’s decision. I really want to take journalism at Lyceum Laguna, but my mom was against it. She said it was too far. So I said, “okay”. My second choice was Multimedia and Arts in De LaSalle, but my mom disagreed. She said she can’t reach the tuition fee. So I nodded, “okay”. The third choice of mine was Computer Science in LCC, but my mom didn’t accept it. She said I should take Computer Engineering instead since it’s nearly the same. So I answered, “okay”. I planned to take Engineering in BSU since it was a legend that that school was a pro on making future engineers, but my mom said no. She said I should take that course in LCC for that school was just near our place. So I just agreed, “okay”.
Then end of story.
Just say okay and everything will be fine. But saying okay isn’t always okay. It will look like okay this day but you’ll never know what it would be tomorrow. Just like now, I let myself believe that I really like Computer Engineering but as time goes by, I realize, I really was not into it. There were times when I talk to myself and foreseeing the future if only I took the course that I wanted. I still want that course but I’m now committed to a course I didn’t plan to take. Though I didn’t blame anyone on this, the course is still good as far as I know.
I remember when I was still elementary, 4th grade, I think. I joined my classmates and we went to a pilgrimage in a church. I remember how my mom hit me with her belt in my butt when she found out that I went there with my classmates. Back then, I knew it was my fault for not telling her. I guess I deserve that beating.
When I was in high school, I think I did well. She didn’t scold me or what… I just followed her orders and there you go, we didn’t have any argument. My high school life was like house-school-house and sometimes house-school-practice-house. I’m not going anywhere during weekends. I’m not hanging out with my friends either. I don’t have cell phone. Okay, I have but I was not into it. Only maybe 3rd year high when I started text messaging.
Now I’m in college, my life cycle was still house-school-house. I never hang out during weekends too. Okay I learned to hang out… a little. The only difference was college life has more school activities than that of high school life (and that little hang out). More projects, more school leisure interest, more extracurricular activities, more commitments. If these activities were turned on: there were times when I barely went home or sleep in my room; there were times that I didn’t sleep at all; there were times when I’m in a 4 consecutive over nights; it was hell. Whenever I go out of the house or whenever I ruined my life cycle, it was because of these school activities. You’ll probably think my life’s boring. Yes it is.
Due to these extra activities I’m in, there were times I have to go home late, (my last class: 6:30 & 8:30, lets me go home late too…) and whenever I went home later than late, I was always scolded. No, I’m not getting mad because I was scolded, my point is, how about my part? I was late because I have something to finish. I was like hey, slow down, I’m pressured here, and even in going home I’m getting pressured? The hard thing is even I’m explaining my part, if my mom wants me to go home, I have no other choice but to go home.
My mom is kind and sweet, I really have no problem when she’s scolding me, maybe I was really wrong. But… it feels like she’s barricading me. Although she allows me on some part, still it has a limit. (Yes I know, everything has a limit…) And when I’m just starting to enjoy, then TIME’S UP! GO HOME. It feels like, hellooooo?! I’m 18…! Do you not trust me?
You know what I feel right now? It feels like I’m a puppy tied in a chair. I can move freely yet I can’t. Just like that puppy, even if I want to play around, I can’t, maybe I can but only near that chair. It’s not that I don’t want my mom to meddle in my life, it’s just that I want it to be a little more loose. I really don’t want to feel like a puppy tied in a chair, instead, I want to feel like a kite. Even though kites have strings tied in the ground, it still can move freely and fly in a more spacious sky unlike the puppy.
I’m just thinking, if someone gave someone a limit, there’s a little chance to see what that someone is capable to do. I’m afraid I won’t be seeing my capabilities.
I like it how my mom corrected me if I’m wrong and how she ruled my life with her orders… as they said “Mothers are always right”. I also want her to scold me if I’m wrong, I deserve that. And I really like how my mom cares about me. I really like it. But I’m just wishing, a little more loose… so I can fly like kites too. Because I really like it, really.
Verlified 